Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
