okay pat passed out under dana's car
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
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