I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
