I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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