just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
