A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
