i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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