Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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