New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
