OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
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