Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
