I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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