I faked an abortion last night.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
