we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
