is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
