I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
and i looked up. we had an audience...
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
