Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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