How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
