Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
