Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
