Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
