I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
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