I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Randomize
