overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
