Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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