I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
