it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Randomize
