Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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