im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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