I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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