You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
