it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Randomize
