I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
