you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
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