so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Just invented taco cereal.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Randomize
