I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
be right there i have to get my cape
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Randomize
