how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
