I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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