is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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