I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
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i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
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PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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