I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Randomize
