apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
