I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
