Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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