In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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