u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
