The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
