That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
