8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
