how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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