I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
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