I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Randomize
