Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
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