I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
