Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
