Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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