I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
