Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
