last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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